Fresh Start | Clean Slate | Blank Page - A Season of Emptiness

I think we were all born this way, unknowing, with limitless opportunities to learn and experience everything from how to walk, what a flower is and even what to do on a daily basis. 

What I love about life is how we were all born with the ability to choose. Although this freedom to choose is sometimes directly stifled power hungry human beings or indirectly by the age of influence, our minds are always and have always been free to choose what to believe in and what not to believe in, and that's what makes us all unique.

I've gradually forgotten this beautiful gift of freedom of choice over the 20 years I've lived on this earth. It was not so bad when I wasn't exposed to too much social media, the only people's ideas I fell prey to where the ones I observed and occasionally spoke to everyday. 

Then the age of social media sunk it's claws on me and I suddenly I lost myself in the thoughts, habits, lifestyles of others. If you know me you'd be wondering how, because I never really took that influence and acted it out. Well, it was more of a mental thing, my thoughts were not my own, my habits were not my own and I didn't even realize it. I'm not saying that I was doing heinous things, no, some things where good but they just were not my own.

I then reached a point where nothing interested me. The YouTube mukbangs [(especially in South Korea) a video, especially one that is live-streamed, that features a person eating a large quantity of food and addressing the audience.] and makeup videos I routinely watched when eating, dressing up, cleaning etc. were not stimulating me anymore. Ps. I haven't found anything yet, I'm still stuck repeating series I've watched before. 

While we are on the topic of series, let me recommend a good series to you:

Greenleaf - 5 seasons, about 45 minutes per episode. You will love it, I just know it.

And here's a movie recommendation:

Oloture - approximately 2 hours, well-filmed and highly educational.

Now hear me out, I'm not saying the age of influence is bad. I think it is absolutely great, we get exposed to easier ways of doing things and learn new skills, it's like those "life hacks videos" but applied, tried and tested. The age of influence only gets bad when we are not able to discern why we do certain things, when we are not able to tell why we like this or that and when we don't have a grounding place that yes, can be influenced by others, but is consciously built by us. 

The realization that my thoughts and habits were no longer mine made me feel empty and sad. My lack of interest in things I used to enjoy watching scared me, at some point I thought I was depressed because of my sudden lack of interest in watching or doing things I used to.

Then I was reminded of a book I read by Oprah Winfrey called "What I know for sure." It is a 100 page book where Oprah talks about the few things in life she is sure about and it ranges from matters of the spirit to habits she knows she should be doing daily for sure. I simultaneously thought about an image I had recently saved on one of my Pinterest boards which said "I am rooted, but I flow"

Image Source: Pinterest

Which led me to asking myself the question: What do I know for sure? What am I rooted in? What are my anchors?

I managed to come up with one answer: What I know for sure is that God exists, the Holy Spirit is always here with me and Jesus died on the cross to save us all from sin and bring us into the loving life of Grace.

Beyond that, I couldn't give another answer. I couldn't give any answer about my family, friends, school, religion (me knowing God exists is not rooted in religion but spirituality) or even myself. I was flowing, I am just floating.

So I decided to embark on a journey of seeking. Sounds like a good idea right? And it is, but the way I went about it at first almost spiraled me out of control. I Googled and YouTubed and gathered a variety of people's opinions on different topics ranging from forgiveness to what should be important to us. By the end of a two week journey of just searching, my mind was spinning. I was experiencing an information overload, still am actually, I didn't know who or what to believe. And then I realized that I had just subjected myself to the influence of other people's thoughts and ideas, but consciously this time.

So then I made a decision to put myself in a blank room, I'm not sure what color it is yet, but all that's in it is a new mind that is filled with what I know for sure. And I'm hoping that what I know for sure will communicate what else I need to know for sure.

I'm still on social media, but in a limited and private way. I still talk to people, but I take the time to be still and dissect my conversations and what I've learnt. I still experience and see life, but consciously so, with a strong effort to make sure that I am present, and actively exercising my birth-given right to choose.

Anyway, these are just a few of my recent thoughts. I think this blog will be getting a revamp soon. I can't promise to post all the time because inspiration doesn't work like that, but whenever I do have something to say, I will.

I hope you're well.

-2000