Friendship Dynamics - Conclusion IV

WHAT IS THE WORST FORM OF BETRAYAL YOU'VE EXPERIENCED, SEEN OR WISH TO NEVER ENCOUNTER?

This question was asked to pick up from the topic of validation seeking that was introduced in the first few responses. Unfortunately, a poor quantity of responses were received. 

However, I got a very interesting response that looked at betrayal not only from the emotional perspective of drama between friends but from a political and professional perspective. 

My father is very conservative about who gets to graduate from a colleague to a friend. From his two previous jobs, he only brought two people home and introduced them as his friends. My oldest sister is the same way. Friends in the workplace can quickly turn into enemies that can make you lose your job, especially if they know too much about your personal life. I don't know too much about that though, so I won't write a lot about it. I'll leave this matter and observe it again when I start working. 

Learning opportunity (FYI if you didn't know)

Lose - misplacing something (one less "O", implying that you've lost something) 

Loose - untying and freeing something 

IS THERE A BENEFIT TO HAVING OLDER FRIENDS?

In primary school, if you were friends with people who were in high school, you were considered one of the coolest kids in class. Your ability to fit in and not annoy the older kids made us bow to you and ask you to teach us your ways. The older kids in high school weren't always good influences though. I won't get into the drama that unraveled at my primary school between grade sevens and nines in 2012. In high school, if you had friends in university or who are working, you were considered even cooler. If you could make him or her your romantic partner, even better, Guru. 

Young people tend to forget the saying: "Age is not equal to maturity" when they are using an older person to gain validation or popularity among their peers. Older people can easily take advantage of this and become a terrible influence on their younger counterparts. 

However, let's not forget (like I did), that as much as older friends can have a stronger negative impact on your life, your age mates can have an equally detrimental effect on your life. It all just boils down to praying to having the eyes and intuition that can discern good from bad. 

"Bad influence is just that, age has nothing to do with it."

I have a wise friend who is 5 years older than me. We are obviously not on the same page in life, she has a degree, is looking for work, a house and a car. She is also looking for a partner to finally have a taste of a stable relationship. I spent majority of my time with her last year and as much as she had a great influence on me, she started to age me to the point where I started worrying about things I definitely have no business worrying about at this age that I currently am at. It wouldn't hurt to think about the car I want to drive and the house I want to stay in, but it becomes a problem when I start to wrinkle up over it. Luckily, she has a positive influence on me, so she quickly noticed my worries and reminded me to just be the age that I am. Don't let older friends make you forget your youth, instead brighten up their lives.

It's not all negative, grey and dull in the land of having friends that are older than you. There are great benefits that include; people who have better understanding of life and its challenges. These relationships tend to be more respectful if the influence is positive and there seems to be a lack of competition but rather much needed help in navigating life and all its confusing twists and turns. 

To answer this question, I would go for it. I definitely think that there is are benefits in having older friends. Just like when choosing friends of your age group; proceed with prayer and caution.

"..the issues we have with friendships are self-created and can be self-broken only if you and I make the decision to become better people. "

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM PEOPLE WHO YOU CALL FRIENDS?

This question came last just to round up my series with the intention of having the reader see what people are looking for in friendships. 

As fluffy and candy filled the responses were, there seemed to be a bitter undertone that was incorporated into some of the responses I received. In debating, the third speaker is not allowed to introduce new points, unless he or she is from the proposition team, of which the adjudicators do not necessarily favor. The third speaker here is the last set of responses I received and boy, they introduce a lot of new points! This made it difficult to give answers to some of the questions I was hoping to have a better understanding of. I will use this last question as part of my conclusion to this series. 

"Hurt people hurt people Hurt people hurt people"

(Sabrina Claudio, Hurt People)

"It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault

I couldn't breathe

Almost lost myself, couldn't stop myself I did it all

You can't blame it on me, ayy

It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault"

(Post Malone, Blame it on me)

This series has taught me that friendships have become stranger to their true meaning. There seems to be a terrible cycle of toxicity among friends that lead to hurt feelings, hurt feelings that lead to bitterness, bitterness that leads to toxicity and the domino effect continues. I do not think we can ever totally put an end to this vicious cycle, but I do believe it can be weakened (Pierre Alex Jeanty).

These vicious cycles have us secretly keeping each other at arms length and building walls that not only keep people out (therefore stopping them from hurting us), but also keep us imprisoned (therefore keep us from enjoying the sweet fruit of friendship). These walls are not built in one day though, they creep up on us with each slice of bitter fruit of friendship we taste. We don't trust each other anymore and I don't blame us, because we created this, just that no one wants to admit that they are or once were toxic.

"What I’ve discovered, though: Rocks unattended turn into mounds, and then mountains."-Oprah Winfrey.

One respondent decided to have an in depth session with me beyond my questions. They admitted that they were hurt by friends in the past. The pain that came from this made them bitter and they became and expert in breaking people's self-esteem knowingly and unknowingly. They admitted that the bitterness continued for longer than it should have because no one could see and acknowledge the pain they felt. 

It reminded me of an episode of the series Charmed where they featured Medusa turning everyone into stone. Each statue of stone looked away from her or covered their eyes in fear. One of the sister witches noticed this and when she finally met Medusa, she looked at her directly in the eyes, with no fear, but still acknowledging her pain and this instantly made her stop turning people into stone. Medusa wanted people to see her pain and once someone (one person) saw it and acknowledged it, the domino effect stopped.

See, I don't really think that "toxic" people exist infinitely. Throughout this blog I've been asking where they are and why they don't identify themselves. No one is born toxic, we make each other toxic in a ripple effect manner and we don't stay that way either.

"I think of each ripple as each of us in the sea that is life. We believe we’re all so different, but we’re not." (Oprah Winfrey, What I know for sure)

To break out of this cold room we have created around friendship, we really need to start acknowledging each other's pain, whether you caused it or not. How do we do this? A male respondent told me that his friends did not believe that he was depressed because they always knew him as the funny guy, what do you do? You acknowledge your friend's claims even though he is not usually the one to be depressed. Besides acknowledging each other's pain, we also need to do some self-introspection. Are there any areas of pain in your memories that are unknowingly making you a bitter person? Is this bitterness affecting the people around me and perpetuating a cycle of unhealthy and hurtful friendships?

"And we’d remember that while words have the power to destroy, they also have the power to heal." -Oprah Winfrey

I know some people are generally not emotional human beings and may feel like this is one of those "kumbaya" moments but one thing is evident in all the responses I received and further observations: everyone is in pain because of a friendship that has gone wrong. Our fears of getting hurt again have led us to creating barriers to protect ourselves by keeping people at arm's length and refusing to embrace best friends. If you put fences around an apple tree farm and forget to put a gate, you will never get to taste the sweetness of the apples when ripe, you'll watch them come to their fullness and rot over and over again. Toxic masculinity is also a contributing factor, one that is still to be broken and burnt. 

"A lot of people walk with scars from the past affecting their every move, causing them to make wrong choices and follow the wrong paths, without realizing that the pain and bitterness is the pilot of their lives."- (Pierre Alex Jeanty, The Unspoken Feelings of a Gentleman II)

I do not have the answers but I know that the issues we have with friendships are self-created and can be self-broken only if you and I make the decision to become better people. 

I think that friendships can be restored to their former glory and some already are there, all we need to remember is that although the room we are in is cold; we can make the decision to get out and warm up to the rays of sunshine of beautiful friendships and truly taste the warmth of its benefits between the existence of our souls and human bodies. We just have to make that decision to get out of the door. 

I am going to leave you with a quote from Pierre Alex Jeanty (The Unspoken Feelings of a Gentleman II). Let's go out there and be the change that we want to see.

Having balance starts with understanding ourselves, understanding one another, knowing the deep things about one another, putting ourselves in each other’s shoes. Understanding doesn’t come without communication, without honesty, without conversations. Unspoken Feelings must be heard. It is through listening, that pain will be detected and when pain is detected healing can become the focus and be obtained.

“Salt is good; but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? “Have the salt of friendship among yourselves, and live in peace with one another.” Mark 9:50

Identify areas of pain and deal with the bitterness

Then, form vulnerable friendships with people who are also vulnerable

Until next time xx