Friendship Dynamics - Responses III

R: Response

Q: Question from me

WHAT'S BETTER? SAME SEX OR OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS?

"With what I’ve picked up is that jealousy is one of the biggest problems in same sex friendships"

RESPONSE I

R: I enjoy opposite sex friendships because of their honesty & the openness. Also learning how to set boundaries & not allowing temporary feelings to get in the way of a blossoming friendship. 

I think it depends on what one needs from the friendship & the intentions because they can both be great or destructive

Q: But do you think that all opposite sex friendships can remain just that, a friendship?

R: From experience no. It wasn’t toxic love, lust or infatuation it was genuine pure love that my friend & I developed but I think people call it platonic love ? I’m not sure at some point he thought maybe we are twin flames because we could not explain but we knew what was happening in each other’s lives even before we told each other

Q: Okay, makes sense.

So what is the problem with same sex friendships?

R: Yoh (crying emojis) 

With same sex we get comfortable with each other that we tend to not speak out when there’s something one doesn’t like or set boundaries. With what I’ve picked up is that jealousy is one of the biggest problems in same sex friendships

Q: Why do you think this happens though?

And is it only with girls or does it also apply to boys?

R: It also applies with boys 

Comparison from parents & pressure to become as great as the friend because of ones own insecurities. 

- something I’ve also picked up is that if one has siblings it’s easier to navigate friendships than an only child 

- I think jealousy steams from a lack of appreciation from home or you can see the greatness within the friend & instead of learning or flourishing in your own space you want to take that shine because you feel inadequate

Q: Ah okay. So what makes people opposite sex relationships able to communicate better and avoid that 

R: I don’t know how to put it but there’s this openness & less judgement from both parties

Q: Let's say your current partner (romantic) has a female best friend. They were friends, dated, broke up and then rekindled the friendship, would you trust your partner around that girl?

R: My being wouldn’t want to trust either but I think intuition comes to play with regards to such matters

Q: Are you not opening yourself up to a relationship filled with trust issues though?

R: No, I believe what’s meant to be will be regardless of what history is between my partner & his friend. Me trusting my partner & him being open with me as to where he stands is what eliminates trust issues

Q: #RealTalk, really? Will you not feel some type of way at some point in the relationship?

R: Honestly, insecurity is what results in the self doubt & questioning the relationship they have hence I said learning to listen to one’s intuition helps eliminate such.

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RESPONSE II

"..It’s just the way we do things as black men.."

R: Opposite sex friendship. I prefer being friends with females because I believe they are the best listeners and they provide the best emotional support. I really feel like I can talk more openly about my feelings or problems with my female friends, with guys its more physical (I can’t find the right word), I can only be there for you if you need money, food or things like that, I can’t take care of my male friends emotionally 

Secondly the opposite sex provide a whole different perspective on things, psychologically you may know male and female brains function slightly differently in terms of strengths, so having someone of opposite sex to complement your perspectives is a bonus.

Q: Two questions:

Why can't you take care of your male friends emotionally?

Can these friendships remain just that, friendships?

R: I just feel like I care better if its a female and also might be guided by the stereotype that males are strong and aren’t emotional so its also about “pride”, I can’t cry in front of a guy they will take me as weakling.

Yes it is possible, my best friend is a female and we have been friends since primary school in 2012,I love her so much but I can’t date her, we don’t have romantic dealings, she’s practically a sister to me.

Q: Why do you believe that a guy who cries is a weakling? What if she says she wants to date you? What happens then?

R: It’s just the way we do things as black men, I remember last year in the dental labs, things were not happening (am sure you know what I mean), people (males and females) especially the white people were having breakdowns, people were crying and the TA’s were there comforting people, first block I was one of the worst performers I was stressed, I couldn’t bring myself to cry, I wanted to, I had to wait till I got to my room, I guess its nature

Like I said, she’s practically my sister, we are more like siblings, however I am friends with other females where anything can still happen, with some I do have feelings for them but due to certain circumstances we resolved to being friends, so to answer your question; it depends on the type of friendship you have, and with my best friend am positive it won’t lead to anything more

Q: "it's just the way we do things as black men".. Does this sit well with you? 

Alright. I guess that's an exception

R: It's not like am trying to conform or something, its just who I am, it's how nature feels like

Q: When you do cry, what does it feel like after?

R: I feel calm, it makes me realize things aren’t as bad as they look, it gives me the same feeling when I'm playing a piano, it calms me down. Which is why I never tell people to stop crying.

Q: But you can't cry in front of people?

R: Yeah I can’t, it just doesn’t happen.

Q: Let's just say one day it happens that you cry in front of people, what would happen?

R: Honestly I don’t know, I guess I would have to wait and see.

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RESPONSE III

R: It's fun to have both

Q: Yeah? Can a boy and a girl be friends and remain friends without any feelings developing?

R: Yes they can. As long as they both respect the boundaries that their friendship is built on. But sometimes things happen.

Q: If you had a girlfriend, would it be okay for her to have a male best friend?

R: It would be okay if he was there before me

Q: What would happen if he came after you?

R: That's not happening, I'll be her best friend

Q: So what makes it okay if he came before you?

R: Because those are the people who were there for you before I came along, I can't come and start breaking friendships

Q: How is that different from her having a male best friend whilst you are the boyfriend?

R: It would be kind of suspicious that out of the color spectrum (out of the blue) she has a new male bestie.