Friendship Dynamics - Responses IX

R: Responses

Q: Question from me

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM PEOPLE YOU CALL FRIENDS?

"I was hurt so badly that I became very bitter because I was trying to protect myself."

RESPONSE I

R: To stick around through thick and thin. 

Honesty. I like things black or white and I don't do grey areas.

And people who are just be genuine.

And let's not forget love and respect.

Q: How important is it to you to feel "chosen and wanted" as a friend?

R: On a scale of one to ten I'd say five. It would be nice to be chosen and wanted as a friend but it's not really a priority. So it's not too important.

Q: How tolerant are you of friends who don't show these qualities?

R: No very much. I just add them to my acquaintance list.

Q: Do your acquaintances know that they are acquaintances?

R: Yes, and a few I've told directly.

Q: How is this received?

R: Some took it well and appreciated the honesty and others were offended but I'm glad they knew where I was standing I guess.

Q: How would you feel if someone told you that you are an acquaintance yet you consider them to be one of your closest friends?

R: I don't consider myself their friend until they tell me themselves or tell someone else. I don't like to assume that I'm their friend. If they tell me their my friend, then later change to an acquaintance I would feel hurt because I would have opened up my life and my heart to them. I personally don't change unless you do something really bad.

It wouldn't be a split second decision, we would talk about it first, try to solve it, and if they don't try to change, then they become an acquaintance.

Q: I really like your analysis and knowledge about friends, where does it come from?

R: Comes from backstabbing (not majorly though) 

My goal is to be more selfless every day. People are naturally selfish and take advantage of people like me, so I realized that I should just be careful about who I let in your life and who becomes a close friend.

It's painful when you come to a late realization that people having been taking advantage of you, so I prefer to avoid that pain. 

Extra (To understand why Respondent I has acquaintances) 

R: I was hurt so badly that I became very bitter because I was trying to protect myself. People saw me as this bitter and negative person who puts people down. Everyone was just seeing the surface and no one was seeing my pain. I was building a wall around me to keep others from hurting me, but I was also placing myself in a prison. There was a lot I was going through and people could not see that, they just thought that I was just enjoying breaking other people's self-esteem. I knew I was doing that, but it was because I was also in pain and I was trying to protect myself from being hurt. 

I made a decision to forgive everyone and not be bitter anymore. I decided to become peaceful and carefree. If people offend me, I don't accept the offense anymore. Apologies or none, I won't be affected. When I took that decision I also told myself that I would keeping a safe distance with people. I won't let a lot of people into my inner circle, only those I trust. The acquaintance thing, I do it so that I don't go back to being bitter, a person who knew the art and skills of break people's self-esteem, an undesirable person to be around. I killed that person. 

"..no one was seeing my pain.."

Q: I feel like I'm touching a sensitive spot with this topic because everyone I've spoken to has had a negative encounter with friends

1. "They didn't see my pain" - how could someone have acknowledged your pain?

2. Were you aware you were building a wall? 

3. Have you spoken to those people you know you broke and apologized maybe? Do you think that by breaking them they also started to become the bitter person you were? 

4. What led you to changing and deciding to not be bitter anymore? And what steps did you take to killing that bitter person? 

R: 

1. The way people could have acknowledged my pain is to just say I'm sorry and I understand 

2. I suddenly found the wall around me. It was an unseen response of the hurt. I did a good job of keeping people out, but I was now trapped in and that wasn't nice. 

"I'm not taking the walls down, I just replaced them with a fence so I can see what's outside, but I still keep people at a distance."

3. Sometimes when you are bitter you don't realize that you put them down, so I can't say I apologized to everyone, but I did apologize to the ones I knew I had actively put down. However I didn't tell them the reason why I was so bitter.

4. I didn't consciously become bitter, but I did take a conscious decision to not being bitter when I became born again. I struggled with it and prayed about it for two years. I also wasn't letting go of the hurtful feelings and letting God handle things. 

"Not everyone sees the wrong in their action, so there's really not much we can do to prevent it, we just have to keep our distance and play it safe." 

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RESPONSE II

R: Loyalty and love 

Q: How tolerant are you of friends who don't show these qualities?

R: In high school I was pretty tolerant but now I'm quick to cut people off that aren't helping me move forward in life. As I've gotten older I have less and less tolerance because life moves faster and faster the older I get

Q: How do you cut people out of your life?

(what are the things you do & how do you maintain it?)

R: Blocked him off Instagram and deleted his number, got rid of all memories 

Current friends know not to talk about them. The result of betrayal led to you keeping your friends at a distance. 

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"I just give and expect nothing in return."

RESPONSE III

R: Expect nothing. Unless you want to be disappointed

Q: Remember my first question where asked you what type of a friend you are right? And then you told me what you give in friendships. So are you saying you just give all of that and expect nothing back?

Or is the word "expect" harsh and demanding?

R: I just give and expect nothing in return

Q: Doesn't that affect you in anyway?

R: In a way it does because I don't really trust anyone

Q: Where does this mistrust come from though?

R: Being let down by "friends"

Q: What exactly happened?

R: It's a whole series of events and I don't know which one to start with but I'll try

The one that really broke was when my ex girlfriend decided to cheat on me with my "friend", not once but a bunch of times and then went the extra step and fell pregnant, that's when I completely threw away this thing called trust

Q: How did that make you feel?

R: I wasn't angry, I was just defeated. I've lost interest in a lot of things

Q: What else made you lose trust in people?

A lot of things like what?

R: I'm someone who likes joking but in serious moments nobody takes me seriously. I went through a phase of depression and everyone thought I was joking.

Best friends, relationships, love.

Q: How did you deal with that though? And how are you able to still be a good friend to others, yet you expect nothing and you don't trust people?

R: A whole lot of food, I had my parents help me through the whole thing and I sought professional help as well. Because I would not want someone go through what I went through because that's just a messed up feeling

Q: Are you still friends with people who didn't take your depression seriously?

How did you verbalize your depression to your friends?

That takes a lot of courage, is that not draining?

R: I'm still friends with them. I say it as it is, that I'm not okay. Sometimes, but you can't get tired of doing good

Q: And what do they do?

You're what we would call: selfless people

R: They usually say I'm joking. Thank you

Q: And what do you do from there?

R: I deal with the matter on my own

Q: What gender does this?

R: Both genders but mostly guys

Q: Someone said that they prefer to be friends with girls because they are more emotional and empathetic, is this true?

R: Yep, guys fear expressing themselves because of what society has "instilled" in us. I have a bunch of female friends because it's easier for me to express myself. For example, I don't think I would be having this conversation with a guy.

Q: Who taught guys that fear though?

R: Society.